That was the only thing that could describe my day today. I should've known when I got to school at 5:45 this morning only to find out practice was cancelled and I didn't get the memo that today wasn't going to be good.
So, after getting to school way early for no reason, I headed over to Chick-fil-a for breakfast where Daddy surprised me for a Daddy-Daughter date. First period went well, I have economics which I actually enjoy. It's one of the only classes that I feel like I could apply to life, and I love my teacher Ms. Douglas.
2nd and 3rd-RST was so-so. Nothing great, nothing horrible. I helped 3 classes of kindergarteners pick what they wanted to research for their next project. Yes, kindergarteners do research projects... I was amazed too.
4th-Calculus. This is where my day begins to go down the drain. The actual class period was okay, but when I stayed after to ask again about making up the test I missed when I was in Iowa, my teacher and I got into a little tiff to say the least. It resulted in me leaving class bawling and shaking and knowing that if I didn't get out of that classroom soon it wouldn't turn pretty. I wasn't rude or anything, but I just needed out. By this point I wasn't just crying b/c I had lost it with him- I had just lost it in general. I began thinking about gramma, and once I started crying there was no way to stop. He asked me if it was something he said, and I told him no, it was something else.
I left calculus and took the very longest way to get to Mrs. Breerwood's room where I eat lunch. I knew that she would be able to see through me and so wanted to do my best to pull myself together before I walked into her class. I ended up fine for the first 2 or 3 minutes, she was heating up her lunch and I was creating an umbrella to add to her wall to decorate her door (i make a new thing every month, it's kinda a collection now). Well, I guess I must have been really short with my answers or she could see that my eyes were red and swollen from crying because she knew something was up. She asked me about it, and I just told her that my calculus teacher made me furious, but that i was fine. She dropped the subject.
A couple minutes later, my calculus teacher walked into her class asking Mrs. Breerwood to unlock a door for him so that he could eat his lunch. He asked Mrs. Breerwood if she knew what was up b/c he was concerned-I am normally pretty calm and collected even when I do get overly frustrated with him and with his class.
So, Mrs. Breerwood walks back into class and begins the questioning. "What is going on?" "What can I do?" "What all happened in calculus?" "Are you SURE you are okay?" "Is there really nothing I can do to help you?". Finally lunch ended and I wiped away what I thought was the last of the tears and made my way to anatomy.
I'm not sure I have ever blogged about anatomy, but it is a hostile class in general. My table is normally pretty cool and we all get along and typically enjoy joking and picking on each other to provide comic relief from the drama of that period. After the first picking on of the period, I told them to cut it out and that I wasn't in the mood. The second time, I lost it and the waterworks happened again. I apologized profusely to my tablemates and they just left me alone for the class period. I honestly don't remember much. I know I put my head down and know I silently cried a majority of the class period. Luckily it looked like I was sleeping so nobody else attempted to mess with me.
Then English. By that point the world knew that I was upset. I walked into English and Aliyah was like "hey... are you ok? You have Mrs. Breerwood freaked out" I told everybody I was fine and was very thankful for the busy computer work that we had for the day. I think this is the only day I have enjoyed the "silent learning environment" that is my English class.
At one point somewhere between calculus and the end of English, I ran into my eco teacher that I loved. She saw me in mid-tear and told me to come to her room during athletics so we could talk. Ms. Douglas lost her husband last year, and so she has told me since coming back to school that if I needed anything to come talk to her. We talked once for a few minutes when I was making up something for her class, and she just wanted to make sure that when I told her I was okay that I actually meant it. She checks up on me everyday when i leave her class, and I know that she is always there. So when she told me to come talk to her, I actually felt like I could do that. I'm so glad I did. She knew that I wasn't upset because of calculus, I truly don't care enough about that class to be upset about not being able to make up a test. Somehow talking about calculus turned into talking about how I'm still hurting and still not okay after gramma passed away. That week in Iowa was a blur and a fog. Spring Break was full of shock. I was fine at that point. Last week was so busy and full of me trying to make everything up. This week, reality. I had been putting on this "strong-front" for everybody else as well as for myself. If I told myself and acted like I was fine, wasn't I? No, I wasn't. When I'm with people, I'm okay for the most part. It's when I'm by myself that my mind begins to wander and I lose it. When I'm taking a shower, when I'm sitting in the parking lot, when I'm laying in bed. I haven't slept through the night in days. Any little thing now is enough to tip me over the edge because I cannot handle anymore. And it's perfectly okay. Gramma did pass away almost a month ago, and maybe that fact is just now settling in. Ms. Douglas assured me over and over again that it was okay to cry, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to have bad days and to just lose it sometimes. If it ever happens again during school, she told me to just come to her room and I could just sit in there until I was okay to go back to class. She'd talk to my teachers if I needed her to, get my work if I just needed to sit by myself and process everything for a while.
Grieving is hard. And there's nothing normal about it. Hopefully it won't happen so suddenly next time, a little forewarning would be nice. It's just going to take some time, and it'll be a day-by-day kinda thing. But I know that everything will be okay one day. It may take a while, but it will happen. I will be able to sleep through the night instead of waking up with nightmares. I will be able to take a deep breath when things go wrong rather than getting emotional. It will be okay. It's just going to take time before reality is back to being okay.
I know after today I am so thankful for the 2 teachers I have at school who care about their students rather than just their subject. I know that next time something like this happens it will be easier knowing that I can turn to one of them instead of trying to put on that strong act and just handle it by myself. It's okay to talk to people, it's okay to express emotions. Because you can only be strong so long.
