Sunday, January 11, 2015
"He doesn't lead me where He doesn't go"
I've always been a planner. When deciding on schools my senior year of high school, I only applied to A&M, and never had a choice to make there. The past 5 summers have been spent at Cho-Yeh without any hesitations or decisions. Now, I'm about 6 months from going anywhere in the world, and that is terrifying. My dreams often scare me as I don't know if I'm truly ready to dive head-first into this world. The planner side of me is full of anxiety as August has a HUGE question mark over it. I was beautifully reminded through one of my favorite songs that "He doesn't lead me where He doesn't go". Our Father provides. He provides seasons of understanding and He provides seasons where we just walk day by day to see what doors He will open. Although August is a month full of unknown, one thing is fully and completely known: Our Father is good. He will lead me to the city, school district, grade, and class where I will be most used by Him. My only job is to take a deep breath and follow Him wherever He leads.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Anxiety
For my entire life I have been a "worrier". If something could be worried about, I can guarantee you that I did. Over the last 8 months, this "worrying" of mine has manifested and gotten out of control at times, especially around October of last semester.
In the middle of an anxiety attack, things that should seem so minuscule are amplified and are massive in the moment. A few days after the fact when I've calmed down I will go back through and reread my journals or text messages to my best friend and I wonder how I could blow something so out of proportion. The thing is, in the moment, the anxiety is real. I'm panicking, I'm stressing, and I'm breaking down.
Even on a good day, my anxiety shows just as I'm getting ready for bed. I always check twice, if not three times, to make sure every door is locked and dead bolted. I'm paranoid about my car lights being left on and will often make an extra trip just to ensure they are off. I've never left them on before, but I'm constantly worried that I did. I will always walk the entire apartment to make sure all the lights and ceiling fans are off, there are no candles lit, nothing plugged in that shouldn't be. When I go to bed before my roommates, which is essentially every night during the school year, they always promise to unplug things because they know I will worry about it. When I straighten my hair in the morning, I'm paranoid that I left the straightener on. My straightener automatically turns off after 30 minutes, but I still stress about it. At home, if I let KJ out I always lock the back door. I know that I'll be letting her back inside in 5 minutes, but it's a habit. I've locked my dad out in the backyard several times because of it. Car doors when I'm driving are always immediately locked as soon as I open the door; I've accidentally locked several friends in my car on multiple occasions.
These little things seem ridiculous, I know. And these are just the daily little "triggers" that I often worry and stress about. I have for my entire life. They all rendezvous back to safety. Locks, fire hazards, deadbolts... They seem super little, but I worry constantly.
And when there's a stressor in my life, be it school, friendships, decisions, work, drama, etc., that's when the anxiety manifests into anxiety attacks. I've always been able to worry myself into a panic attack and get this "deer in the headlights" type feeling and acted like I had blinders on until everything was back under control; last semester these panic attacks escalated. I would often break down into tears for no single reason - I couldn't explain why I was freaking out. I couldn't put a finger on anything that if I could just get that one thing done, things would get easier. I was a pretty constant train wreck composed of lack of sleep, stress, and constant anxiety. I would call my best friend and just cry. She would never try to analyze the situation; if I could create coherent sentences to try and explain why I was freaking out she would listen, if I couldn't she would just let me cry and then sing or tell stories until I could calm myself down. I drove home on numerous occasions to avoid College Station which became a daunting and overwhelming place to be.
Anxiety is real. It's not something I can easily explain, but it's something I'm constantly having to work on and learn how to handle appropriately. I'm thankful for those in my life who, despite my moments, love me continuously and show me God's grace hourly. He is good in providing exactly who we need.
In the middle of an anxiety attack, things that should seem so minuscule are amplified and are massive in the moment. A few days after the fact when I've calmed down I will go back through and reread my journals or text messages to my best friend and I wonder how I could blow something so out of proportion. The thing is, in the moment, the anxiety is real. I'm panicking, I'm stressing, and I'm breaking down.
Even on a good day, my anxiety shows just as I'm getting ready for bed. I always check twice, if not three times, to make sure every door is locked and dead bolted. I'm paranoid about my car lights being left on and will often make an extra trip just to ensure they are off. I've never left them on before, but I'm constantly worried that I did. I will always walk the entire apartment to make sure all the lights and ceiling fans are off, there are no candles lit, nothing plugged in that shouldn't be. When I go to bed before my roommates, which is essentially every night during the school year, they always promise to unplug things because they know I will worry about it. When I straighten my hair in the morning, I'm paranoid that I left the straightener on. My straightener automatically turns off after 30 minutes, but I still stress about it. At home, if I let KJ out I always lock the back door. I know that I'll be letting her back inside in 5 minutes, but it's a habit. I've locked my dad out in the backyard several times because of it. Car doors when I'm driving are always immediately locked as soon as I open the door; I've accidentally locked several friends in my car on multiple occasions.
These little things seem ridiculous, I know. And these are just the daily little "triggers" that I often worry and stress about. I have for my entire life. They all rendezvous back to safety. Locks, fire hazards, deadbolts... They seem super little, but I worry constantly.
And when there's a stressor in my life, be it school, friendships, decisions, work, drama, etc., that's when the anxiety manifests into anxiety attacks. I've always been able to worry myself into a panic attack and get this "deer in the headlights" type feeling and acted like I had blinders on until everything was back under control; last semester these panic attacks escalated. I would often break down into tears for no single reason - I couldn't explain why I was freaking out. I couldn't put a finger on anything that if I could just get that one thing done, things would get easier. I was a pretty constant train wreck composed of lack of sleep, stress, and constant anxiety. I would call my best friend and just cry. She would never try to analyze the situation; if I could create coherent sentences to try and explain why I was freaking out she would listen, if I couldn't she would just let me cry and then sing or tell stories until I could calm myself down. I drove home on numerous occasions to avoid College Station which became a daunting and overwhelming place to be.
Anxiety is real. It's not something I can easily explain, but it's something I'm constantly having to work on and learn how to handle appropriately. I'm thankful for those in my life who, despite my moments, love me continuously and show me God's grace hourly. He is good in providing exactly who we need.
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