Song of the Week: May 10

I stumbled across a Cho-Yeh'ers blog the other day, and she had a blog post about a retreat she had been at where they played this song "Feel the Nails". She had talked about how she had a top-of-the-roller-coaster moment (that's what our youth group calls them anywhos) when this band played the song. So being the music-lover that I am... I had to go check it out.

The lyrics, WOW. I read them before even hearing the song. I love them more then the song, but it wouldn't be a song of the week with just lyrics now would it?

Feel the Nails by Ray Boltz

"They tell me Jesus died
For my transgressions
That he paid that price a long, long time ago
When he gave his life for me
On a hill called Calvary
But there's something else I want to know

Does he still feel the nails
Every time I fail
Can he hear the crowd cry "Crucify" again
Am I causing him pain
Then I know I've got to change
I just can't bear the thought of hurting him.

It seems that I'm so good at breaking promises
And I treat his precious grace so carelessly
But each time he forgives
What if he re-lives
The agony He felt on that tree

Does he still feel the nails
Every time I fail
Can he hear the crowd cry "Crucify" again
Am I causing him pain
Then I know I've got to change
I just can't bear the thought of hurting him.

Holy, holy
Holy is the Lord
Holy Holy
Holy is the Lord

Do you still feel the nails
Every time I fail
Have I crucified you Jesus with my sins
Oh I'm tired of playing games
I really want to change
I never want to hurt you again

Holy, Holy
Holy is the Lord
Holy, Holy
Holy is the Lord"

AP Test 1: DONE

WAHOOO!!!! 1st AP test (test for college credit)is DONE!! After sitting at the Berry Center for 4 hours, answering 80 multiple choice questions (55 minutes) and 3 essays (15 minute reading period for the document, 45 minutes to write the Document Based Question, 35 minutes for each of the Free Response Questions) I was READY to get out of there! It was 6th period by the time we got back to Falls, luckily pre-cal was a free-day and BCIS was a blowoff as per usual.

HOOORAY APUSH IS DONEEE!!

Birthday?

Typically by this time of the year, I'm counting down the days till my birthday. I still kinda am, just because that is the number of days till AP testing is over and my life gets dramatically less stressful.

The past few years I haven't really done anything for my birthday. I think last year Daddy's brothers were in town so we took them out to eat and considered that my "birthday dinner" too. The year before I think I had my best friend of the time spend the night.

This year there's no time to do anything for my birthday. It's in the thick of AP testing. Megan's getting ready for graduation. It's in the middle of swim season for both Renee and I. It's on a Wednesday, so I'll probably get a cookie cake to take to Bible Study that night. I'll probably end up going to Kole's baseball game. Nothing special. There is too much else going on, and there's no way either of my best friends could find a time when all 3 of us aren't busy to get away and do something special.

For a while I wanted my Mom's friend, Missy, to take pictures of all of my friends and I. I was going to get school friends, swimming friends, church friends, everybody together and get good pictures before everybody graduates and moves on. But the friend situation has changed so much since then, that there's no way everybody would get along. For a little while I wanted to go down to Galveston for a day, but with Cancun around the corner, Galveston just seems poopy and disgusting. I wanted to go camping, but it's getting too hot, and I'm not sure everybody else would enjoy it. Maybe Renee, Megan, and I will all go out for dinner and rent a movie or something. Sounds like a typical Saturday night, but if we throw in a cake and some snacks, can't that be considered a birthday?

Another reason I don't like birthdays. Presents. I always feel bad getting presents or asking for anything, because I have everything I need. Yeah, sometimes I would like a new t-shirt, or Nike shorts, or some sheets for camp, but I don't NEED them. I have umpteen dozen swimming t-shirts. I have enough Nike shorts and basketball shorts to survive off of. I have sheets for camp, even though they may be ugly, I have some. I don't NEED anything. Ever since I went on my 1st mission trip and I saw that family who wouldn't get a single present for their birthday, I feel guilty asking for anything. Even when I go shopping with Mom, yeah that shirt might be cute, but I have enough shirts. I don't need anything.

So I don't know where the birthday issue stands. Megan is out of town most of June, I'm out of town all of July and half of August. Renee is out of town certain random weeks. There isn't any time for birthday's anymore. I don't need a party to be happy, all I need is my friends and family, and luckily for me I have both.

Remembering how to Breathe

I woke up this morning on the couch downstairs, the result of another sleepless night. Ever since some drama happened a few weeks ago, I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL. That coupled with the stress that comes with the end of the year, the recommended hours that teenagers are supposed to sleep a night has been no where near met. And when I am sleep deprived I feel crummy. And it's no fun.

So, realizing I still had 4 1/2 days of school I could miss to still be able to exempt finals for the semester, I decided I was not going to school today. My first mental day! Although, unlike dad's mental-health-days, mine was not spent doing something I enjoyed (cough cough golfing, dad!), it was spent studying for AP exams. Again. I laid downstairs till the rest of the family left (somehow their morning seems much more relaxed than mine typically does. Like sitting down to eat breakfast.. I don't know when the last time that happened) then got up and got to work. I read/studied out of my APUSH review book from 7:45-10 (covering about 50 pages and 150 years). From 10-11 I cleaned the bathroom/disaster area so that Mom wouldn't have to when she got home from work tonight. (Kole came home and said MY side of the sink was cleaner than his and made his half of the bathroom look bad.. I really wanna get that on recording or something!) I then went back and read/studied/ate lunch for another hour. I spent about 30 minutes picking up my room (it really wasn't that bad surprisingly), and have now spent the past 3 hours working on the big long APUSH review (33 pages, 500+ questions that require more than a sentence response).

Now, where does the mental-health day come in? Aren't you supposed to be able to relax and catch up and destress during those days? Well, surprisingly, I have. Even though I spent the day doing schoolwork, I'm still a) in my pajamas and b) wearing glasses, and it's wonderful. This weekend didn't seem like much of a weekend, considering I took the SAT on Saturday, and spent Sunday doing apush in between church activities. So atleast today I got a day of quiet before the grandparents come in and AP exams creep up (Friday and next Wednesday!), a day to semi-relax and kinda catch up.

Now... 3 1/2 days I can still miss and exempt. What to do, what to do.

Song of the Week: May 2

Every Saturday night, KSBJ plays more of a harder kind of music (I think it's called Christian Rock). Renee LOVES those 3 hours, I'm pretty sure sometimes she just sits with the radio in her hands and listens to the music. Not to worry, I do that too :)

Last night this song came on while I was studying for AP exams, and I loved the lyrics. Even when life gets tough, we all still have Jesus.

Me and Jesus
by Stellar Kart

"When there's nowhere else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom
Don't give up it's not the end
Open up your heart again
When you feel like no one
Understands where you are

Someone loves you even when you don't think so don't you know you got
Me and Jesus by your side through the fight you will never be alone on your own you got me and Jesus

After all that we've been through
Be now you know I've doubted too
But everytime my head was in my
Hands you said to me
Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost so
Make the most of life
That's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow"

The end is coming

Today while in sitting and waiting for church to start with my best friend, she turned to me and I could tell she had been tearing up. I immediately start asking what's wrong, who do I need to go get mad at, you know the drill. All she says was "it's almost over". I knew what she meant, prom is over, her senior year is almost over, she's close to graduating and moving to college station. High school is almost done for her.

And then my mind started rolling. This thought has been in the back of my head for a while, one of the reasons why before Megan, I never got close to people older than me. Ever. Because at one point, they always have to leave.

I only have a few months before Megan leaves for A&M. Luckily it's only an hour and 15 minutes away, unlike Canada where she lived last year.

I started crying in church. As per normal we were sitting in the 2nd row in the left, and nobody (as normal) was sitting in front of us, so nobody really saw me crying. Only one other youth grouper showed up to sit with us this mornin, but I don't think she really saw either. It just all of a sudden hit me, she's going to be moving out.

I had been coming to this understanding for quite some time, the fact that she would be going off to college at the end of this year. But the thing is, I often have these thoughts but until they are spoken, they don't seem real. It's like if I keep them locked up in my head, then they are just a figment of my imagination.

I do know this, A&M is only an hour and 15 minutes away. In other words, crisis on either of our parts, it's just a 37.5 minute drive for each of us to meet up. She promised she'd come down to help me go prom dress shopping. I know I'm going to see her again, and I know we'll talk like crazy, but I also know how much I'm going to miss her.

I'm so blessed to have the best friends in my life I do. I know we are all way extremely busy, but we all know that each other is way more important than any busyness will be. I love my friends, they're truly amazing.

So as the end of her senior year does come, I know it's not the end. But until then, I'm making the most of the time we have, and filling it up with memories. ♥

SAT--done!

After 3 days of TAKS testing and sitting in one room for hours on end (and being SILENT), I was not lookin' forward to another standardized test, especially not on a SATURDAY! Ask anybody in my TAKS room, I was sitting/sprawled out on the floor the SECOND the last test was turned in.

But, for some stupid reason I decided to wait and take my SAT in May. Why I didn't take in in say September? Or February? I honestly have no clue. So I pull into Langham at 7:20 this morning, and by 7:45 I'm sitting in a huge room with everybody else who's last name falls between M and T (I think the U-Z room would've been A LOT less crowded!) waiting to get this thing over with.

1 Essay (time limit: 25 minutes)
6 25 minute sections (2 math, 2 critical reading, 2 revise/edit/grammar/usage type things)
2 20 minute sections (1 critical reading, 1 math)
1 10 minute section (revise)

For the SAT the point scale goes like this: correct answer = 1 point, no answer = 0 points, wrong answer = -.25 points. So you get penalized if you guess wrong, so if you don't know it's better to leave it blank. Ultimately, you could end up with a negative score.

Finally, at 1:00 we were all able to leave. THANK GOODNESS! I'm pretty sure my butt wasn't going to last sitting in that chair any longer. I came to the conclusion that the SAT is all about endurance: whoever can get to section 7 without going crazy and losing all motivation will ultimately score the best. I am hoping to get around at 1800, but A&M's SAT requirements are really low, so I should be okay and not have to retake it!

So, I've spent the last 4 days taking standardized testing, 3 to graduate high school, 1 to get into college, so now I get a fun night right?

Wrong.

In the next 2 weeks, I take 2 AP tests for actual college credit. So, the rest of my weekend is dedicated to studying for them!! I take history on Friday the 7th, then English the next Wednesday on my birthday (aww thanks! that's exactly what I wanted, how did you ever guess??). Luckily I already have college credit for the history class because I took it dual-credit (all you have to do is pass the class and you get the credit if you stay in Texas), so as long as I don't go out of state, I have that to fall back on. And English shouldn't be too bad I'm hoping.

So, what am I doing still blogging? Good question, should probably go grab the highlighters and AP Review Books. Oh joy. What a fun Saturday night!?