Taking Steps

Today I took the first steps of many in a huge journey towards buying a house!

This afternoon I met with a family friend, Anne, who is also a realtor and discussed the realities of buying a house. Buying at 22 was never something I thought I would ever want to do. I always imagined living in an apartment for a couple years, then maybe renting a house for a bit before ever buying myself. But with the rent for a single bedroom apartment being sky-high and rent for a house not any better, I decided if I was going to be spending this money, I might as well be spending money towards something that would be mine!

So today I met with a realtor, and we decided the next step would be to contact a loan officer to see if a loan would even be possible. With only a year of full-time employment under my belt, I was informed it may be a bit more difficult to be qualified for a loan. Yikes. I was given a list of several people to contact, and Anne's promise to walk through this process with me in as many baby steps as I needed. Regardless, I got into my car to drive back to my parents and had a complete meltdown and panic attack.

When I got home I sent off an email to a loan officer briefly explaining my situation and waiting in expectation for a "I'm sorry" response explaining that I was just a dreamer. Well, I got a response back from the loan officer and was given a little bit of hope!

Tonight I began gathering a bit of the information that will be needed to send off to the loan officer in order to see what amount of money I would be qualified for.

While talking with Anne this afternoon she reminded me of this precious truth: This may not turn out how I want it to. I might not get my dream house. It may not work in my timing. And that's okay, because the thing is this: it will work in GOD'S timing and in His Will. If His Will is for me to have my own place, then nothing, not even the crazy housing market and hundreds of hoops I'll be jumping through, will stop His Will from being done.

So who knows? Maybe in a couple months I'll be in my own place. All I know is this is an experience that will require a lot of trust, something I notoriously struggle to do. But this I know too: God will sure be teaching me something through this process; my only prayer is that my eyes are attuned to His goodness and His provisions as I follow His lead through this new adventure.

Don't Forget Verses 12 & 13

So often when faced with an unknown future as Christians we turn to Jeremiah 29:11 which says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'".

So often we leave off there. God has a plan for us that is GOOD. In Him we have prosperity, hope, and a future.

Keep reading. Don't forget about verses 12-13. As much comfort as we find in vs. 11, I find more in the following two: "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart".

WOW.

He listens to us. And we will find Him (and therefore, His plan) when we seek after Him. When we call unto Him, pray to Him, come to Him. He listens to us when we seek after Him with our whole hearts.

As much time as I put into perfecting job applications, creating pro/con lists, apartment searching, and planning for this next stage, I should be spending more time seeking after Him.

That is my anthem over this next week. My goal is to have my first application submitted by the end of next weekend, but as I pour over that application and spend time attempting to submit the most perfect application, I know what is more important: continually seeking after the God who loves me enough to provide ample opportunities for me.

"He doesn't lead me where He doesn't go"

I've always been a planner. When deciding on schools my senior year of high school, I only applied to A&M, and never had a choice to make there. The past 5 summers have been spent at Cho-Yeh without any hesitations or decisions. Now, I'm about 6 months from going anywhere in the world, and that is terrifying. My dreams often scare me as I don't know if I'm truly ready to dive head-first into this world. The planner side of me is full of anxiety as August has a HUGE question mark over it. I was beautifully reminded through one of my favorite songs that "He doesn't lead me where He doesn't go". Our Father provides. He provides seasons of understanding and He provides seasons where we just walk day by day to see what doors He will open. Although August is a month full of unknown, one thing is fully and completely known: Our Father is good. He will lead me to the city, school district, grade, and class where I will be most used by Him. My only job is to take a deep breath and follow Him wherever He leads.

Anxiety

For my entire life I have been a "worrier". If something could be worried about, I can guarantee you that I did. Over the last 8 months, this "worrying" of mine has manifested and gotten out of control at times, especially around October of last semester.

In the middle of an anxiety attack, things that should seem so minuscule are amplified and are massive in the moment. A few days after the fact when I've calmed down I will go back through and reread my journals or text messages to my best friend and I wonder how I could blow something so out of proportion. The thing is, in the moment, the anxiety is real. I'm panicking, I'm stressing, and I'm breaking down.

Even on a good day, my anxiety shows just as I'm getting ready for bed. I always check twice, if not three times, to make sure every door is locked and dead bolted. I'm paranoid about my car lights being left on and will often make an extra trip just to ensure they are off. I've never left them on before, but I'm constantly worried that I did. I will always walk the entire apartment to make sure all the lights and ceiling fans are off, there are no candles lit, nothing plugged in that shouldn't be. When I go to bed before my roommates, which is essentially every night during the school year, they always promise to unplug things because they know I will worry about it. When I straighten my hair in the morning, I'm paranoid that I left the straightener on. My straightener automatically turns off after 30 minutes, but I still stress about it. At home, if I let KJ out I always lock the back door. I know that I'll be letting her back inside in 5 minutes, but it's a habit. I've locked my dad out in the backyard several times because of it. Car doors when I'm driving are always immediately locked as soon as I open the door; I've accidentally locked several friends in my car on multiple occasions.

These little things seem ridiculous, I know. And these are just the daily little "triggers" that I often worry and stress about. I have for my entire life. They all rendezvous back to safety. Locks, fire hazards, deadbolts... They seem super little, but I worry constantly.

And when there's a stressor in my life, be it school, friendships, decisions, work, drama, etc., that's when the anxiety manifests into anxiety attacks. I've always been able to worry myself into a panic attack and get this "deer in the headlights" type feeling and acted like I had blinders on until everything was back under control; last semester these panic attacks escalated. I would often break down into tears for no single reason - I couldn't explain why I was freaking out. I couldn't put a finger on anything that if I could just get that one thing done, things would get easier. I was a pretty constant train wreck composed of lack of sleep, stress, and constant anxiety. I would call my best friend and just cry. She would never try to analyze the situation; if I could create coherent sentences to try and explain why I was freaking out she would listen, if I couldn't she would just let me cry and then sing or tell stories until I could calm myself down. I drove home on numerous occasions to avoid College Station which became a daunting and overwhelming place to be.

Anxiety is real. It's not something I can easily explain, but it's something I'm constantly having to work on and learn how to handle appropriately. I'm thankful for those in my life who, despite my moments, love me continuously and show me God's grace hourly. He is good in providing exactly who we need.

Certification: CHECK

Teacher certification is a STRESSFUL process in Texas. Statistically, only 5% of applicants pass on their first try. Yes, they tell us that at the beginning on the semester when they are explaining all of the hoops that we have to jump through in order to get certified.

This fall, we had to take 2 of our certifications: the ESL Supplemental and the Generalist Exams.

They are nearly impossible to register for, and they are SO uptight about testing. You have to take them at a licensed place; that's understandable. The fact that you couldn't cross your feet, you weren't allowed to push up the sleeves on a long-sleeve shirt, you weren't allowed to take off a jacket... GEEZE! Oh, and did I mention you get fingerprinted EIGHT times in the process? Yeah. Talk about crazy!

I took the ESL exam 3 weeks ago. It was 70 questions and I left very unsure of how I did. I knew that if the passing rate was 70 or 75%, I would have been fine; unfortunately, that's not the case. Passing is 80% or 240/300. Two days after I took the exam, my score was published. 276/300 -- essentially a 91%!

I was estatic.

This week, I took the Generalist exam. It is essentially the content covered in pre-k through 6th grade. Doesn't sound too challenging... But then you look back on all the crazy social studies details you once knew in 6th grade and quickly realize "oh hey, I don't actually know ANY of this stuff!" Stress. Lots of stress.

The testing environment for the Generalist was ROUGH. The girl to my left was taking the GRE, so was pecking away at a keyboard the entire time. Click click click click click click. Definitely helps concentration ... NOT! Then the guy on my right was throwing up constantly. It was disgusting. Thankfully he always made it to the trashcan by the door. But STILL. So nasty. This test was 140 questions; I was so frustrated that I finished the entire thing quicker than I did the ESL test. I left with a really bad feeling, I was mad at myself, it was just a rough situation.

But, GOD IS GOOD! I got my results halfway through my seminar today -- I PASSED! I ended up getting 32/40 reading questions right, 24/24 math questions, 22/24 science questions, 18/22 social studies, and 12/15 of the PE/music/art for a 273/300 overall. 91% again! WHOOP!

All that to be said, I am PUMPED for a weekend off. I have some grading to do this afternoon, but for the most part I am just going to ENJOY my weekend! I will spend tomorrow with Laura and her family for the Aggie game against Mizzou. Then on Sunday I will relax and possibly do a few of the easier assignments due next week.

I will get to be home for 10 days for Thanksgiving, then will come back to College Station to finish up my LAST week of the semester. Y'all. It's almost over!!

Hosea 2:14

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" -- Hosea 2:14

I read this verse today, and it definitely spoke volumes of my semester. This has been easily the hardest semester of my college career. Stress was taken to a whole new level and I did not handle it well. I was frequently a train-wreck frequently. It did not take much to make me melt and completely fall apart. Crying was a regular thing; my parents and my best friend got many phone calls where I was sobbing and couldn't put words together to explain what was wrong. I began to isolate myself from friends because I always had too much to do. I would go days without seeing my roommates because I would always be in my room. I was in a pretty dark place.

"Dark places" are found easily in the Bible. They are often referred to as "the wilderness" or "deserts", but regardless, they exist. God will take us into the wilderness, into these dark places, for a purpose. He uses these times that we often view as isolated and lonely to grow us. He equips us and makes us stronger; ultimately, He creates us to be more of who He needs us to be for the next season. He tenderly speaks, He softly calls our names, and beckons us near. He whispers gently, calls us by name, and breaths life back into our heavy hearts. He leads us into the desert and then He speaks tenderly to us.

But the most glorious thing comes next. He leads us out. Take Moses - He spent 40 years in the desert where the Lord prepared him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. It took 40 years of following God into the desert and Jesus speaking tenderly to Moses, reminding Moses of His Goodness, before Moses could accomplish God's Will for his life.

Deserts are hard places to be. But God promises to speak to us while we are there and to lead us out. I've been in a desert, and it's not fun. But I take hope in knowing that He is preparing me for what is next and that is enough to cause excitement. My heart starts to race and my dreams begin to run wild as I imagine what could possibly be in store at the end of this desert season.

Until then, I will continue to follow my King throughout the desert, listening to His soft whispers and quiet reassurances of His truth as He speaks tenderly to me.

2 Months Ago

2 Months ago, Randy asked me to be his girlfriend.

Yes, you can freak out. Kylie has a boyfriend? Kylie is dating somebody? Yes. Yes I am.

2 months ago, after 2 months of going on dates and getting to know each other, Randy officially asked me to be his girlfriend (and I officially said yes)!

Randy works at Camp Cho-Yeh full time as a part of their maintenance team. He graduated from UT Tyler a few years ago with a Mechanical Engineering degree and has a huge passion for camp! He loves anything and everything to do with being outside.

It's kind of hard to explain a significant other over a blog posting so I'm not going to try.

This is all you need to know:

• Randy is super sweet and treats me very well.
• He always has something planned for our dates. Today we went geocaching all around Huntsville (the halfway point between Livingston and College Station) & had a BLAST! We both like going on adventures, so today was perfect for that!
• Randy is genuine and honest. He is a FANTASTIC listener & is super easy to talk to.
• He understands that he is dating a college student who is busy. He respects my time and is the first one to say, "Ky, I know you should be studying. I'll talk to you tomorrow; get your stuff done tonight". 
• Randy calls me "Ky". Only the people close to me call me "Ky" -- my parents, Laura, my roommates, my best friends at camp, and Randy. It means a lot to me!
• He is a hard worker. He loves his job and I respect him for that because there is NO WAY I could do it!
• Randy makes me feel special and valued. He always opens the door for me and is the first one to offer a helping hand! 
• He is a GREAT guy! I'm blessed to be able to call him my boyfriend!

Long Time, No Blog.

I know, I know. I've been an awful blogger. Life has been BUSY! Let's see if I can update y'all briefly about all the various aspects of my life.

• I got my AGGIE RING in April!
• Water Polo won the Texas Conference and made it to Nationals where we ended up 9th.
• I had a blast celebrating my 21st birthday. Yes, I remember it all.
• Camp was really hard this summer, yet incredible.
• Randall Barns Spelbring (he will get his own blog)
• Moved back to College Station with Dani & Rachel!
• We also got a 4th roommate this year.
• I'm learning A LOT about patience and loving people I don't get along with.
• If law-binding documents are not meant to be upheld, what good are they?
• Aggie Football is BACK IN SEASON!
• I'm not playing water polo anymore, and that's okay.
• I graduate in less than a year -- what?
• I'm observing in a 5th grade writing class this year and I love it!
• Senior year is REALLY busy. 
• I still have the most unbelievable friends: Laura, Dani, Rachel, Myriam & Audrey, as well as camp friends Sarah, Michelle & Erin.

There ya go! That's a VERY brief synopsis of what life is like right now!

When You're The Mom...

A friend sent me this article today with the comment: "Ky, this is you". The article was entitled "5 Things You Do When You're The Mom of the Friend Group". I chuckled and figured I might relate to 1 or 2 of the items. Wrong. I'm guilty of all 5...

Enjoy!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/danielle-mclellan/2014/04/5-things-you-do-when-youre-the-mom-of-the-friend-group/#V7HLRdAWhfPKAaKf.01

I Could Cry... But at least we are in SINGLE DIGITS!

If you have ever seen the lesson plans that are required of education majors, you would understand how unrealistic they are. Minimums of 6 pages to describe something that ultimately will be a 30 minute lesson... I'm sorry but NO teacher actually does that.

So, after spending an hour and a half working on ONE lesson plan, I went back to my groups google doc in order to check one of the TEKS that I was using. Guess what. I had done the completely wrong day. I was assigned Tuesday's lesson plan (we created a schedule of lessons for an imaginary week), and I had just done a lesson plan over the activity that was planned for Wednesday!

Deep. Breaths. Deep Breaths. It will be okay. That's just extra practice that will make me a better teacher, right? Deep Breaths.

But hey, atleast now that it's 1:24 AM and I'm about to start the correct days lesson planning, I officially only have NINE days until I get my Fightin' Texas Aggie RING!

Aggie Bucket List

Everybody has a "Bucket List" of things they want to do before graduation. I started one my freshman year, and actually have quite a few things accomplished! It looks like there is A LOT to do in the next year though! In honor of crossing off "Meet the Yell Leaders", I figured I would share the rest of my Aggie Bucket List!

• 
  
• Sleep in Research Park
• Pond hopping through the fountains on campus
• Visit the Aggie Barn
•  Get into Kyle Field when there is not a game
• Ride your bike down the dorm hallways
• Night out on Northgate
• Photo Scavenger Hunt across campus
• Camp out for tickets to a game
• Aggie Ring Day!
• Picture with Reveille
• Visit the Bonfire Memorial at night
• Eat at the Dixie Chicken
• Camping at Lake Bryan
• Attend Silver Taps and Muster
• Meet the Yell Leaders
• Paint yourself all blue and get a free meal at Blue Baker
• Put a penny on Sully
• Country dance with a stranger at Harry's
• Ski or sled with friends down Mount Aggie
• Hammock on Campus
• Paddleboarding on Lake Bryan
• See the sunset/rise over the lake/beach
• Go to First Fridays in Downtown Bryan
• Picture with Dr. Loftin (while he was still President)
• Play capture the flag on campus at night
• Midnight Yell
• Date to Midnight Yell
• Eat a plate of over-sized pancakes at Hullabaloo Diner

Masters?

The only "Masters Program" I ever even debating participating in was the Masters Swim Program for all of those ex-competitive-swimmers who just miss the water. To be honest, I only debated that a whole 2 minutes in my head.

But today when I find out that I could add on a masters degree to my degree and finish in just an extra year. I began to consider it. And although I have over 3 weeks to make a decision, of course my brain goes a mile a minute and begins to debate every single option possible option. Shocking, right?

This is a conversation I had with one of my friends tonight:

Friend: "Kys, what do YOU want to do with your life. What is YOUR dream?" 

Me: "I want to go teach children who don't have anything at all. To teach them to write their name, to teach them to read so they can read "I'll Love You Forever" on their own, and to teach them all about Jesus" 

Friend: "Okay. Now you need to take the steps to make that happen. If that means another year of school, okay. If that means actually looking at places in America or overseas, okay. If that means accepting that you might not live near your family and friends, okay. You need to follow YOUR dreams. Not your family's dreams, not your friends' dreams, not anybody else dreams for you. YOUR dreams."

Looks like I have some thinking and soul-searching to do over the next couple of weeks.

Don't Waste My Time (and the perspective that later came)

I guess I must do a very good job of not seeming stressed and overwhelmed daily to the rest of the population. I mean, Rachel sees it, and my best friends study with me so they know that it exists. But I guess the rest of the world assumes that I have all this surplus of time.

That's the only logical explanation as to why they would blatantly WASTE my time. Right? I had office hours for work today from 10:30-12:30, but a student needed to meet with me and she had class until 2, so I told her I would could stay late and have a conference with her at 2:15. So when I was 2 hours AFTER I'm supposed to get off and the student doesn't show up, I believe I have grounds to be frustrated!

Then I went to work on a group project. Thankfully my group is wonderful, but the class is super frustrating. Way too many projects with way too little explanations. Put a group of perfectionist education majors in a setting with no guidelines and no directions... we get frustrated, stressed, and easily flip out. 30some education majors flipping out at once? It isn't pretty.

I came home to take a 15 minute nap before water polo. I figured I could wake up in a better mood than I was in previously. Well, 3.5 hours later I finally woke up. Thankfully, I was feeling quite refreshed!

Then I got a phone call that put today into perspective. One of my friends from camp has CF. She has been sick a lot over this last year and she is back in the hospital. Her lung function is down to 27%. At 25% she goes on the transplant list. At this point there is not much they can do for her. She is in isolation, and even her own family isn't allowed in the room with her. The average life expectancy when she was born was 17 years. Over recent years that number has increased, but it isn't looking good right now.

So while I was frustrated by spending 2 extra hours at work (2 hours which I spent working on other things that I would have had to do anyway, 2 hours that I will get paid for), my friend was laying in a hospital bed and her family was given some shattering news. That definitely puts things into perspective. I may be frustrated when somebody wastes my time, but I'm blessed to have time to waste. Some people just don't have too much time left.

Happy Spring Break to Me.

It's the Monday of Spring Break, I'm sitting all alone by myself, I had frozen food for lunch, and I just wrote a 26 page paper... Happy Spring Break to me?

Together

I can't wait to live life together with these girls this summer.

Camp Cho-Yeh's Leadership Ladies 2014

Hanna, Cambria, Katy, Erin, Kylie, and Allyssa.

I Don't Want to be a Classroom Teacher.

Don't get me wrong, I love my major (most of the time) and I have a passion for teaching. I just don't want to be a classroom teacher.

For the last three years my dream has been to go to teach in an orphanage. The only thing was the fact that the United States does not have an orphanage system anymore (which is a GREAT thing), but I do not necessarily feel called oversees for more than a couple weeks at a time. Would I love to go back to Honduras for a couple of weeks on a mission trip? YES. Do I want to pack up and move their to teach full-time. No.

So where did this passion leave me? I really had no idea, I was just trusting my Father to guide me through college and open the doors that needed to be opened for this dream to turn into a tangible vision that I could pursue.

Y'all. I think I am beginning to get an inkling about what that might look like.

This past month at Breakaway we have been working on raising money to support a couple of ministries who are fighting to free present day slaves. We are supporting the International Justice Mission who goes into hostile environments and pulls children and women out of slavery and human traffiking. We are supporting Tiny Hands International who are building homes in Nepal on the border of India to stop and protect children from being trafficked across the border. Then we are supporting a local ministry called Restore Her which is a part of Still Creek Ranch which helps children recover and provide them a safe bed.

How great are those ministries? Tonight we had a guest speaker who started up Restore Her. I got interested and looked up Still Creek Ranch to see what it was all about. And what did I find? They have their own school! I lit up when I found this - their school functions to serve the students at Still Creek. To serve those who have been given up on, turned away and neglected.

I think I might have found my "American orphanage". I am so excited to dig further into this and see what this might mean for my plans after graduation!

What They Don't Teach You in Education Classes

I'm realizing that although we do learn an insane amount in all of these education classes, they definitely do not prepare you for some of the things that kids will say or do!

Like peeing all over their backpack so that they don't have to do their homework because it is covered in pee.

Yes, that happened today. And yes, I was the one who had to handle it. And no, I was never taught about what to do if a kid dropped his shorts in the middle of a hallway to pee on his homework.

Then this conversation with one of my sweet boys:

Boy: "Miss Suddendorf?"
Me: "Yes?"
Boy: "Were you once a human that SUDDENly became a dwarf? Or were you always a dwarf that suddenly became a human?"
Me: "I was one of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs!"
Boy: "Wait, I was just kidding! What do you mean?!"

Oh the things they forget to mention in education classes. Kids will do things that you won't believe and will say things that will make you think quickly for a comeback!

SURPRISE!

We had a water polo tournament this weekend. Although we ended up with a tough loss to Texas, we went 3-1 this weekend which I can't complain about. For the most part we played well, and we definitely have a list of things to be working on before regionals!

Winning is fun. Beating one of your old friends is REALLY fun! And as exhausted as I am, I kinda enjoyed getting to be in charge and run the entire tournament this weekend. But none of that could compare to the best part of my weekend.

Saturday morning after getting the pool set up, I had run into the locker room to get changed. I had butterflies like I always do before the first game of the tournament, and I was sheer exhausted from the roller coaster of a week I had just stepped off. I ran out of the locker room to find Laura walking in the Rec. She surprised me and came to College Station for the morning to see me play water polo! Although she knows nothing about polo, it made my day that she would give up her weekend with her husband to come support me. I generally hate surprises, but seeing her brought me to near tears. Y'all, Laura is an incredible friend and I am so thankful to have her in my life!!

Eggplant

Why yes, I did eat EGGPLANT tonight. Rach made some and convinced me to try it. It actually wasn't that bad! I even went back for seconds and dipped the eggplant in marinera sauce which made it even better.

If you don't know me that well you may not realize how big of a deal this is. It's a HUGE DEAL!

And since it was such an accomplishment, my roommates awarded me with a 2 inch sticker that says "Super Star" and forced me to wear it the rest of the night.

So moral of the story: I'm just a 5 year old trapped in a college student's body.

Why I Wanted KJ

This year has been rough. To be realistic, college in general hasn't been a cake walk. This semester has been a good one, but I have been constantly stressed out for a variety of reasons. Polo has been rough, there are some family situations that are hard to deal with, I'm constantly exhausted. It's almost gotten to the point where it's too much stress. Last week I completely broke down and I scared myself how upset I got over something that should have been a happy surprise. When I drove to Houston on a whim this weekend I instantly felt better. A combination of relaxation, leaving my laptop in CS so I wasn't even tempted to do school stuff or work, and getting to cuddle with my puppy was the ultimate recipe for my stress level to drastically decrease.

I thought that by bringing KJ with me, she would be able to have that calming effect on me here too. And as much as I loved having her to sleep with last night and being able to walk her around this morning, unfortunately she is adding more stress. Technically we can't have pets in our apartment, and our building has been scheduled for maintenance this week. I didn't sleep at all last night because I had made myself sick over what would happen if we were caught. And KJ is scared of trains, so when you live 25 yards from a train track, that tends to cause a lot of crying and whimpering from KJ.

That's why this afternoon I will be taking KJ back to Cypress. As much as I have loved having my baby girl here, I can't be adding more stress. I'm too often at a breaking point.....

---------------------------

Well, as I was typing this earlier this morning, the maintenane guys decided to come, KJ started barking really loudly, and I lost it. I loaded the car up then and drove to Houston to drop her off. I feel like a failure, and as stressed out as I had been earlier, this was the last thing I needed. I cried nearly the entire way home, ended up sleeping for like 3 hours, and when Laura called, I ended up bawling my eyes out to her again. It's now 5:15 and I'm already in bed. Yep. I'm hoping some sleep will hopefully give me a new perspective.