But in reality, it hasn't been so picture perfect.
My heart aches DAILY for camp. Honestly, not a day goes by when I don't wish that I could drop everything at A&M and go back. I know that this pang and this heartache now is a huge sign that camp ministry is something that I'm passionate about. I promised that I would graduate, but I know that there's a very good chance I'll end up at camp, at least for a few years, after graduation.
It sounds silly to me to be struggling so much about missing Cho-Yeh. I've left Cho-Yeh after the previous 3 summers. I always had about a week of what the camp world calls "Cho-Depression", but then when a new routine starts back up, I am able to refocus on the day to day realities of school. This year, it's been different. Yes, I had about that week of Cho-Depression where every single thought revolved around Cho. When I'd look at my watch and think about what I'd be doing in the camp world. When I'd go to open something and naturally think to ask one of the guys for a pocket knife. When I would wake up at 7 AM in a panic that I missed prayer meeting.
Thankfully, those things have subsided. I'm out of that hole that we all suffer through when leaving camp. The valley that I'm in now is different. And it can't really be explained easily in words. I know that I don't get super pumped about my classes like I used to. I know that I don't get as excited about dumb things with my friends. I know that I'm quicker to jump into what needs to be done as opposed to enjoying the little things.
But I'm also quicker to love. Quicker to forget. Quicker to help. Quicker to laugh.
It doesn't make sense, I know that. At this point, I'm more blogging for my own sense of putting thoughts together than for anybody else.
And more than anything, I'm quicker to apply what I learned this summer into real world examples. For instance, tonight at polo all the officers were struggling. Kimbre had to leave early and was exhausted. Dani was running late and flustered. Myriam was stressed out and needing to get out a tad early. I had so much snot running out of my nose that I'm pretty sure even the amount of chlorine they put in that pool wouldn't cancel out that nastiness. So, I decided to put one thing I learned this summer into action: "Be real with those that you lead. They don't expect a perfect leader, but respect your honesty and realness". I pulled the girls aside and asked "Who has a test this week?" *several hands popped up* "Who is stressing majorly?" *more hands* "Who is feeling kinda under the weather?* *hands raise* "Who is running on sleep deprivation?" *hands* "The fact is, all of your officers are in the exact same shoes that y'all are. We are all exhausted. We are tired. We are sick. We're stressed. We can't find time to get everything done. So that's why the swim set was easier tonight. That's why we aren't doing as much conditioning, that's why we will probably get out a bit early. We are all at the same place that you are. We are students too. We are struggling, sick, exhausted, and worn out students. So let's make the most of this study-break, and know that if you ever need anything that your officer group is here for you. We understand where you're coming from, and we are running the same race that you are."
The girls responded so well. We had a GREAT practice.
The thing is, I learned SO much this summer, and haven't quite figured out how to apply it all to real life. Actually, scratch that. Honestly, I haven't figured out how to effectively apply HALF of it to real life yet. But that's okay. I'm getting there.
And the truth of the matter is: that's okay. As I'm "getting there", I'm also trusting that I'm here for a purpose. I may not be loving school. I may not be super pumped about the little things. I may miss the silly part of polo now that I'm wrapped up in the administrative side of it. All of those things are okay, as long as I know and trust that I'm here, I'm at A&M, I'm back at school, I'm running this team, I'm living with these girls, I'm HERE for a purpose.
"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth, and does not live in temples built by hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth, and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out to him and find him, though he is not far form each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being'. As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring'. --Acts 17:24-28
Wow. The saying "God has you here for a reason" is way too overused, but it is SO true. I am HERE. The Father chooses to allow me to wake up every morning and to live my life. To go to classes. To invent suspect recipes. To run water polo practices. To love His creation. To spend time outside. To live in College Station/Bryan.
He determines the exact places we should live so that we will seek Him.
And I can honestly say this has been true. It has daily been a prayer of mine the last 4 weeks to find joy in the little things through Him. When I am struggling and feeling lonely, only Christ can fill me back up. I can try and seek satisfaction from friends, from classes, from polo. And momentarily, they might provide happiness. But late at night when I can't sleep and I'm alone in my room, those things won't provide the joy I seek. Only Christ will. I live in Him. I am given my purpose through Him. I am HIS daughter. I belong to Him.
And that lesson that I'm learning is worth the loneliness, worth the heartache, worth the pains of this semester. He is teaching me, and that is enough.
So yes, that was an emotional vomit. But hey, I am a mess and that's who I am. And thankfully, that's enough. We don't have to be perfect, we aren't called to that expectation. We are called to seek our maker, and so through the challenges that's what I will do. Won't you?
