"He doesn't lead me where He doesn't go"

I've always been a planner. When deciding on schools my senior year of high school, I only applied to A&M, and never had a choice to make there. The past 5 summers have been spent at Cho-Yeh without any hesitations or decisions. Now, I'm about 6 months from going anywhere in the world, and that is terrifying. My dreams often scare me as I don't know if I'm truly ready to dive head-first into this world. The planner side of me is full of anxiety as August has a HUGE question mark over it. I was beautifully reminded through one of my favorite songs that "He doesn't lead me where He doesn't go". Our Father provides. He provides seasons of understanding and He provides seasons where we just walk day by day to see what doors He will open. Although August is a month full of unknown, one thing is fully and completely known: Our Father is good. He will lead me to the city, school district, grade, and class where I will be most used by Him. My only job is to take a deep breath and follow Him wherever He leads.

Anxiety

For my entire life I have been a "worrier". If something could be worried about, I can guarantee you that I did. Over the last 8 months, this "worrying" of mine has manifested and gotten out of control at times, especially around October of last semester.

In the middle of an anxiety attack, things that should seem so minuscule are amplified and are massive in the moment. A few days after the fact when I've calmed down I will go back through and reread my journals or text messages to my best friend and I wonder how I could blow something so out of proportion. The thing is, in the moment, the anxiety is real. I'm panicking, I'm stressing, and I'm breaking down.

Even on a good day, my anxiety shows just as I'm getting ready for bed. I always check twice, if not three times, to make sure every door is locked and dead bolted. I'm paranoid about my car lights being left on and will often make an extra trip just to ensure they are off. I've never left them on before, but I'm constantly worried that I did. I will always walk the entire apartment to make sure all the lights and ceiling fans are off, there are no candles lit, nothing plugged in that shouldn't be. When I go to bed before my roommates, which is essentially every night during the school year, they always promise to unplug things because they know I will worry about it. When I straighten my hair in the morning, I'm paranoid that I left the straightener on. My straightener automatically turns off after 30 minutes, but I still stress about it. At home, if I let KJ out I always lock the back door. I know that I'll be letting her back inside in 5 minutes, but it's a habit. I've locked my dad out in the backyard several times because of it. Car doors when I'm driving are always immediately locked as soon as I open the door; I've accidentally locked several friends in my car on multiple occasions.

These little things seem ridiculous, I know. And these are just the daily little "triggers" that I often worry and stress about. I have for my entire life. They all rendezvous back to safety. Locks, fire hazards, deadbolts... They seem super little, but I worry constantly.

And when there's a stressor in my life, be it school, friendships, decisions, work, drama, etc., that's when the anxiety manifests into anxiety attacks. I've always been able to worry myself into a panic attack and get this "deer in the headlights" type feeling and acted like I had blinders on until everything was back under control; last semester these panic attacks escalated. I would often break down into tears for no single reason - I couldn't explain why I was freaking out. I couldn't put a finger on anything that if I could just get that one thing done, things would get easier. I was a pretty constant train wreck composed of lack of sleep, stress, and constant anxiety. I would call my best friend and just cry. She would never try to analyze the situation; if I could create coherent sentences to try and explain why I was freaking out she would listen, if I couldn't she would just let me cry and then sing or tell stories until I could calm myself down. I drove home on numerous occasions to avoid College Station which became a daunting and overwhelming place to be.

Anxiety is real. It's not something I can easily explain, but it's something I'm constantly having to work on and learn how to handle appropriately. I'm thankful for those in my life who, despite my moments, love me continuously and show me God's grace hourly. He is good in providing exactly who we need.

Certification: CHECK

Teacher certification is a STRESSFUL process in Texas. Statistically, only 5% of applicants pass on their first try. Yes, they tell us that at the beginning on the semester when they are explaining all of the hoops that we have to jump through in order to get certified.

This fall, we had to take 2 of our certifications: the ESL Supplemental and the Generalist Exams.

They are nearly impossible to register for, and they are SO uptight about testing. You have to take them at a licensed place; that's understandable. The fact that you couldn't cross your feet, you weren't allowed to push up the sleeves on a long-sleeve shirt, you weren't allowed to take off a jacket... GEEZE! Oh, and did I mention you get fingerprinted EIGHT times in the process? Yeah. Talk about crazy!

I took the ESL exam 3 weeks ago. It was 70 questions and I left very unsure of how I did. I knew that if the passing rate was 70 or 75%, I would have been fine; unfortunately, that's not the case. Passing is 80% or 240/300. Two days after I took the exam, my score was published. 276/300 -- essentially a 91%!

I was estatic.

This week, I took the Generalist exam. It is essentially the content covered in pre-k through 6th grade. Doesn't sound too challenging... But then you look back on all the crazy social studies details you once knew in 6th grade and quickly realize "oh hey, I don't actually know ANY of this stuff!" Stress. Lots of stress.

The testing environment for the Generalist was ROUGH. The girl to my left was taking the GRE, so was pecking away at a keyboard the entire time. Click click click click click click. Definitely helps concentration ... NOT! Then the guy on my right was throwing up constantly. It was disgusting. Thankfully he always made it to the trashcan by the door. But STILL. So nasty. This test was 140 questions; I was so frustrated that I finished the entire thing quicker than I did the ESL test. I left with a really bad feeling, I was mad at myself, it was just a rough situation.

But, GOD IS GOOD! I got my results halfway through my seminar today -- I PASSED! I ended up getting 32/40 reading questions right, 24/24 math questions, 22/24 science questions, 18/22 social studies, and 12/15 of the PE/music/art for a 273/300 overall. 91% again! WHOOP!

All that to be said, I am PUMPED for a weekend off. I have some grading to do this afternoon, but for the most part I am just going to ENJOY my weekend! I will spend tomorrow with Laura and her family for the Aggie game against Mizzou. Then on Sunday I will relax and possibly do a few of the easier assignments due next week.

I will get to be home for 10 days for Thanksgiving, then will come back to College Station to finish up my LAST week of the semester. Y'all. It's almost over!!

Hosea 2:14

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" -- Hosea 2:14

I read this verse today, and it definitely spoke volumes of my semester. This has been easily the hardest semester of my college career. Stress was taken to a whole new level and I did not handle it well. I was frequently a train-wreck frequently. It did not take much to make me melt and completely fall apart. Crying was a regular thing; my parents and my best friend got many phone calls where I was sobbing and couldn't put words together to explain what was wrong. I began to isolate myself from friends because I always had too much to do. I would go days without seeing my roommates because I would always be in my room. I was in a pretty dark place.

"Dark places" are found easily in the Bible. They are often referred to as "the wilderness" or "deserts", but regardless, they exist. God will take us into the wilderness, into these dark places, for a purpose. He uses these times that we often view as isolated and lonely to grow us. He equips us and makes us stronger; ultimately, He creates us to be more of who He needs us to be for the next season. He tenderly speaks, He softly calls our names, and beckons us near. He whispers gently, calls us by name, and breaths life back into our heavy hearts. He leads us into the desert and then He speaks tenderly to us.

But the most glorious thing comes next. He leads us out. Take Moses - He spent 40 years in the desert where the Lord prepared him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. It took 40 years of following God into the desert and Jesus speaking tenderly to Moses, reminding Moses of His Goodness, before Moses could accomplish God's Will for his life.

Deserts are hard places to be. But God promises to speak to us while we are there and to lead us out. I've been in a desert, and it's not fun. But I take hope in knowing that He is preparing me for what is next and that is enough to cause excitement. My heart starts to race and my dreams begin to run wild as I imagine what could possibly be in store at the end of this desert season.

Until then, I will continue to follow my King throughout the desert, listening to His soft whispers and quiet reassurances of His truth as He speaks tenderly to me.

2 Months Ago

2 Months ago, Randy asked me to be his girlfriend.

Yes, you can freak out. Kylie has a boyfriend? Kylie is dating somebody? Yes. Yes I am.

2 months ago, after 2 months of going on dates and getting to know each other, Randy officially asked me to be his girlfriend (and I officially said yes)!

Randy works at Camp Cho-Yeh full time as a part of their maintenance team. He graduated from UT Tyler a few years ago with a Mechanical Engineering degree and has a huge passion for camp! He loves anything and everything to do with being outside.

It's kind of hard to explain a significant other over a blog posting so I'm not going to try.

This is all you need to know:

• Randy is super sweet and treats me very well.
• He always has something planned for our dates. Today we went geocaching all around Huntsville (the halfway point between Livingston and College Station) & had a BLAST! We both like going on adventures, so today was perfect for that!
• Randy is genuine and honest. He is a FANTASTIC listener & is super easy to talk to.
• He understands that he is dating a college student who is busy. He respects my time and is the first one to say, "Ky, I know you should be studying. I'll talk to you tomorrow; get your stuff done tonight". 
• Randy calls me "Ky". Only the people close to me call me "Ky" -- my parents, Laura, my roommates, my best friends at camp, and Randy. It means a lot to me!
• He is a hard worker. He loves his job and I respect him for that because there is NO WAY I could do it!
• Randy makes me feel special and valued. He always opens the door for me and is the first one to offer a helping hand! 
• He is a GREAT guy! I'm blessed to be able to call him my boyfriend!

Long Time, No Blog.

I know, I know. I've been an awful blogger. Life has been BUSY! Let's see if I can update y'all briefly about all the various aspects of my life.

• I got my AGGIE RING in April!
• Water Polo won the Texas Conference and made it to Nationals where we ended up 9th.
• I had a blast celebrating my 21st birthday. Yes, I remember it all.
• Camp was really hard this summer, yet incredible.
• Randall Barns Spelbring (he will get his own blog)
• Moved back to College Station with Dani & Rachel!
• We also got a 4th roommate this year.
• I'm learning A LOT about patience and loving people I don't get along with.
• If law-binding documents are not meant to be upheld, what good are they?
• Aggie Football is BACK IN SEASON!
• I'm not playing water polo anymore, and that's okay.
• I graduate in less than a year -- what?
• I'm observing in a 5th grade writing class this year and I love it!
• Senior year is REALLY busy. 
• I still have the most unbelievable friends: Laura, Dani, Rachel, Myriam & Audrey, as well as camp friends Sarah, Michelle & Erin.

There ya go! That's a VERY brief synopsis of what life is like right now!

When You're The Mom...

A friend sent me this article today with the comment: "Ky, this is you". The article was entitled "5 Things You Do When You're The Mom of the Friend Group". I chuckled and figured I might relate to 1 or 2 of the items. Wrong. I'm guilty of all 5...

Enjoy!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/danielle-mclellan/2014/04/5-things-you-do-when-youre-the-mom-of-the-friend-group/#V7HLRdAWhfPKAaKf.01